You were my first love.. Maybe love isnt the right word to use here.. More like obsession. I recently removed you from my facebook friends list, in the hopes that i would be able to forget you finally. The day after that, i see you at the coffee shop near our place. Is it not bad enough that i live near you? And day after day, i walk past your house.. hoping to see you? I know i can get off at the next stop, i know i sound like a stalker, but i dont care. Cause that is how i really feel.
When i first heard this phrase: "Everyone has masks that we hide behind to conceal our real feelings." I felt that it best described me. I always wore a mask when i go out. I always hide behind a fake persona so that others wouldnt be able to know the real me. I have kept myself the way i was in primary school, all throughout my life.. TILL NOW. Because im afraid that once i lose this persona, i would lose you..
In actual fact, i dont know whether i love you, have a crush on you, or just obsessed over you. Everyday.. i just wish to see you, maybe just to catch a glimpse of you, no matter how short. And today.. i did. You had that frown you always had in primary school. I know that frown so well.. It was just like yesterday that i saw it.. It was the kind of frown that i wanted to erase from your face. I wanted to make you smile so bad. Then i remembered.. I was the cause of it. I was the cause of all your frowns in primary school. I have carried this burden with me since then till now. Cause i cannot let you go. If i did, i would forget about you. And even though i want to. Another part of me just wants to keep it forever. So as to never forget you.
When i first heard that you had a boyfriend.. My heart stopped beating. For a short while, i could feel the emptiness in my heart.. A huge gaping hole that can never be filled. I cant use words to describe the feeling.. Of emptiness.. Of lost.. Of loneliness.. Only people who have had lost loves understand what i was feeling.
After awhile i thought.. that isnt so bad. maybe it could help me get over you.
It didnt.
I lay up awake at night thinking and replaying everything i ever did to you in the short time we were together in primary school. And it was full of 'if onlys' If only i had treated you better.. If only i had not done this.. If only i had not done that. I dont even know for a fact whether you liked me or not. It was only just a rumor. If only i could confirm it..
Recently.. i saw a relationship notification from you. from "In a relationship" to its complicated. I thought.. It must be ending. One part of me was jumping up and down with joy, another part of me cursed the other part of me for thinking like this. I know i should be concerned that your relationship is on the rocks. But i couldnt. i was happy. Then i saw the new facebook picture. It was like a stab through my already dead heart. "Adding salt to the wound" some might say.
Not a day goes by that i do not have at least one thought about you. This is how bad it is for me. Some times i still dream of you. at least twice a week. Now its up to 3-4. Depends on how much i think about you. I feel like an empty shell when that happens.. cause i know that.. i can never apologise to you enough for what i did. I'll never get a chance. And i will live with that fact cause it means that i will never forget about you.
